That's What It's All About

The days are just not long enough.  And yet they are much, much too long.  Some days, especially this week, I find myself wondering if the day will ever end.  One of the ironies of life I suppose.

Today is Thursday.  David has been in San Antonio since Monday.  Lately the girls take turns having naps when they nap at all, and I'm basically on baby duty from  7 a.m. till 9 p.m., and often through the night, though Afton is sleeping better and better these days.

At the risk of sounding very negative, I will admit that sometimes I grow weary of it all.  The endless dishes and laundry, the accidents, the whining, the shrieking, the policing.  Sometimes I want time to myself.  And when I finally get it, there are so many things I want to do - update the blog, write in my journal, update baby books, clean, draw, read, sleep - that it never seems like enough.

 But then -   

But then my two-year-old gets scared by a loud car and runs to me, grabbing hold of my hand.  She looks up at me, unsure of herself, and I squeeze her hand and smile back.  She, in all her innocence and warmth, snuggles into my leg and says, "I love you Mama."

Afton is learning to walk, and she is so so close.  I stand her up and back away, coaxing her toward me.  She is thrilled.  She's excited and unsure and so proud with each independent step she takes.  She gets within a foot of me and she falls forward into my arms, not doubting for a second that I'll catch her.  I shower her with snuggles and kisses and we all cheer and I wonder if this isn't both of our favorite part.

Paisley tears around the house, looking for whatever catches her interest.  She spots something I've just put away, gets it out, makes a little mess, and then she's on to the next thing.  Before long, she knocks something over, spills something, or breaks something.  I notice.  She watches for my reaction with large apologetic eyes.  In a split second, I need to decide how to react.  This time, I laugh. (Not always my first reaction, believe it or not).  A huge, happy smile wipes over her face and she laughs and cuddles up to me.  There's a hint of gratitude in this gesture, I know.  She knows she was clumsy, and she wants to be good.  In that moment she knows I love her more than the carpet, or the glass, or whatever it might be.  She's what matters most.

And then, my baby girl won't go to sleep, tired as she is.  I breathe in deeply and decide to hold her, just a few more minutes.  We sit in the rocking chair, and she shakes her head playfully with a big smile on her face.  She knows how adorable I think that is.  When I laugh, her tired eyes smile at me and she snuggles her face into my neck.  There's no one but me and her,the night is still and she's captured me, all of me, just for a moment.

In these moments, I realize that this is it.  There's nothing more important.  Nothing more real or sweet or joyful.  This is life at its finest and there's nowhere I'd rather be.

Afton, about to push off and walk.  Will post a video when David's home to help film! 

The Big Move

It’s 4 a.m.  I’m wide awake and I’m tired. Not physically, or mentally, though I have every reason to be.  No, I’m tired of trying to fall asleep, to no avail.  I had an exhausting day, at the tail end of which I took the girls to WalMart to get out of the house.  While there I decided to reward myself for getting through the day.  I bought a chocolate bar.  You know, the healthy (is there such a thing?), all natural, organic dark chocolate kind. Everyone knows chocolate contains caffeine, or something like it.  Traces, you know.  Not enough to have any effect.  Or so I thought.  Now, here I am at 4 a.m., thinking I’ll have to buy another chocolate bar to get me through tomorrow when the consequences of a sleepless night set in.  Sigh.  Well, as long as I’m up, I might as well make the most of it. 

It’s been about three weeks since we pushed off from the nest that was our home in Utah and ventured out into the unknown, otherwise known as Austin, Texas.  When I refer to our home in Utah, I should explain that it wasn’t really our home, though we did spend just over a year there.  It was, in fact, the home of David’s parents.  When we found out in January of 2012 that we were expecting another child, we were thrilled.  After a brief moment of celebration, we quickly realized the reality of our situation.  As thrilled as we were to be having another child (something we both wanted to begin with) our insurance made it such that we would pay most of the costs.  With David in school, and me at home with our one-year-old Paisley, it was obvious we would not have enough money to get by.  So, we decided to take David’s parents up on their long-standing and gracious offer to live in their basement - temporarily.  We lived there for a month before leaving to Austin on an internship, and returned there after the internship.  One month turned into a emester and a semester turned into a year.  Afton Rose was born, David finished school, took (and aced!) the CPA exams and here we are.

 Austin wasn’t completely unknown to us as we had been there for the summer of 2012.  But the thought of being on our own again, now as a family of 4, in a real apartment, with a real job and real bills to pay, in a city far from family, friends and all familiarity - well, it seemed like a whole new world.  The night before we would leave, we spent the night on the floor where our bed had been, in an empty room.  I was filled with excitement and dreams for our future.  I had long been aching for change, adventure and independence.  David was filled with nerves and nostalgia.  He is by far the more sentimental of the two of us, and has a hard time with change in general.  But in spite of our opposite feelings on the matter, one thing was certain: in the morning we would leave, and a new chapter in our lives would begin. 

The morning of Thursday, August 30, 2012, we did just that.  We packed up the car, the girls, and our Betta fish, Phineas, and departed for Austin.  We spread the drive over three days, stopping in Farmington, NM and then Lubbock, TX, with plans to arrive in Austin on Saturday.  As David insisted, he drove the whole way, through the red rocks of southern Utah, the rocky wilderness of New Mexico, and then the industrious farmlands of Texas.  Our only stop of note was when we hit an unexpected red light and Phineas, who had been sitting happily in his bowl at my feet, rolled forward and spilled out onto the mat beneath.  After a slight panic attack on my part, and a quick stop to the side of the road, we were able to scoop up his slippery body and drop him into a water bottle where he survived until we arrived at the hotel. 

On the last day of our drive we had a change of plans that took us to Dallas, TX.  We had arranged everything for our arrival – the apartment, time of arrival, renter’s insurance, etc.  Everything, that is, except utilities.  Realizing that it being a holiday Monday, the electricity company wouldn't be able to come until Tuesday, we took Becca Hay up on her offer to stay in ‘Hotel Becca’ in Dallas for a few days.  Come to find out, the apartment complex does provide electricity and water until we make other arrangements, but the truck would not arrive with our bed until Tuesday at best, so we were glad to be put up for the weekend.  It was wonderful to see Becca and her family.  Her brother Chris made us breakfast of sausage, pancakes and eggs, and smoked ribs out back in the smoker for dinner.  We did our nails and watched movies, and enjoyed the warm atmosphere of the Hay home.  Afton had a fever for the last 2 days we were there, and Brother Hay helped give her a priesthood blessing.  On Tuesday we left for Austin, to get our first glimpse of what this chapter in our lives would hold. 

We arrived at our new home around 2:00 p.m.  It was about 100 degrees outside and humid.  We were given the keys to our new home, and were anxious to finally see this place that we had only imagined for several months before.  We turned the key and entered the cool apartment.  White walls, beige floors, and the smell of new paint welcomed us.  The empty rooms drew me in, my mind already conjuring up plans of room décor and small dinner parties.  Two large bathrooms, two walk-in closets, lots of cupboard space, and a washer and dryer. It was small.  It was clean. It was everything we needed.  But most importantly, it was ours. 

We spent the next two nights without a bed, or anything else for that matter.  Afton slept in the Pack ‘n Play while Paisley slept on the floor between two blankets. David and I shared one comforter between the two of us on the floor in our room.  We were very glad when the truck finally arrived on Thursday, even though it meant us having to unpack the thing all on our own.  We found out that unpacking a truck in the Austin summer heat (with two children to look after) was not a two person job.  By the end of the day, our muscles were sore and our bodies exhausted.  Sleeping in a real bed had never felt so good.

We spent our first few days in Austin trying to get settled.  Find furniture, time out the trip from our house to the office in rush hour traffic, and arrange for the paying of our bills.  On Saturday, I dropped David off at the airport for his trip back to Utah for the football game between BYU and University of Texas.  It was a game he had long awaited, and the plane ticket was a graduation gift from his parents.  While the girls and I spent the day swimming and relaxing, David spent the day flying and enduring what Utahans are now calling ‘Hurricane Utah’.  A storm blew in and the skies unleashed on Provo, Utah like never before. Roads turned to waterways and parking lots to lakes.  Water poured down the stairs south of BYU campus where David and Emily walked to the game.   People in the stadium packed into the tunnels behind the stands like cattle, seeking shelter from rain and lightning.  We were afraid the game that David had flown in to see would be cancelled or postponed.  Two hours later, we were relieved when the storm lifted and the game began.  BYU destroyed UT in a well staged offensive battle against a lacking UT defense. The quarterback was injured along with another important player, and the following day the defensive coordinator was let go.  BYU certainly left their mark.

I took the girls to church by myself the first Sunday in Austin, a feat I wish to never attempt again.  They were all over the place, and I felt that all eyes were on the new mom with two out-of-control babies.  We walked out half way through sacrament meeting and didn’t even try returning until the closing hymn.  The ward was warm and friendly though, and by the third hour, Afton had fallen fast asleep and I was able to enjoy the much-needed peace felt in Relief Society. 

David started work on Wednesday, and on Thursday he left for Houston for training.  Friday, the furniture company attempted to deliver some couches we had ordered, only to find out they would not fit through our narrow entrance.  We sent them back and were back to square one.  As of yet, we still have no furniture but one high chair and a rocking chair.  A neighbor of ours came by to ask for moving boxes, and gave us a small old television in exchange, so we do have a small T.V. that turns on and off spontaneously.  David came was back for the weekend, which was spent trying to watch as much football as possible in between furniture shopping. 

David left Monday morning for more training in San Antonio, and won’t return till Friday.  For me and the girls, Monday was a fun day.  I was a good mom.  I was present with the girls, playing with them and enjoying them.  I was patient, warm, and fun, and the girls – especially Paisley – responded with affection and cooperation.  Tuesday, (today), did not go so smoothly.  Both of the girls have been coming down with coughs and runny noses, along with other cold symptoms.  Paisley was needier than usual and complaining of a stomachache, but still cheery, while Afton was fussier than ever, whining constantly and always needing to be held.  I decided in the morning that it would be good to get out of the house as a distraction.  Paisley had been asking to go to the park, so we did.  Within 3 minutes of arriving, Paisley announced that she needed to use the potty.  I quickly scooped her up, prepared to make a dash for the restrooms, only to realize that she had already begun.  Upon removing her pants, I discovered the cause of her stomachache. Diarrhea.  It was down her leg and soaked through her pants, and I was at a park, with two babies to take care of.  I wiped Paisley up, threw a diaper on her, and drove home. 

In the evening, I dared again to venture out of the house, this time with Paisley still in diapers.  We went to WalMart to buy some more medicine for our ever-fussy Afton.  Along with the aforementioned dark chocolate, I also bought some Junior Mints, which Paisley promptly dug into.  While driving, I passed Junior Mints back to Paisley.  Unbeknownst to me, she was kind enough o share with her sister, who has never eaten chocolate or any other type of candy.  At first she wasn’t sure what to do with the soft, gooey little drop, and playing with it in her hands must have been as appealing as anything.  Once it was all over her hands, however, the next logical step was to try to lick it off, of course.  And for the remainder of the drive to Ikea, Afton gleefully attempted to suck the chocolate from her hands, smearing it all over her face.  And what she could not get off with her mouth, she was happy to wipe on her pants and car seat straps.  When we arrived and Ikea to find that I had forgotten the wet wipes at home, I decided there was nothing to do but laugh.  At least she was happy, she smelled nice, and best of all, it wasn’t diarrhea.