A Lesson Re-Learned

I have never been one of those people who learns a lesson the first time. Just ask my parents. Or my husband. Or anyone who has known me closely. I'm one of those who learns something, swears to change her ways, then a short while later tries to temp fate to see if things have changed and that lesson no longer applies. It's never too long before I end up at the same place I started, learning the lesson all over again. 

This is a very bad practice.

Well, this week I had the opportunity to re-learn one of my very favorite lessons. Before I tell you about it, I have a confession to make: I am not a playful mom. That is, I love to play, as long as I am choosing the activity. When it comes to playing toys and games and dolls with my children, I'm great at convincing myself that I have far more pressing things to attend to. Like the dishes. Or changing a diaper. Or, um, Facebook. There, I said it. 

So, back to my lesson. This past Wednesday, God gave us a rare gift.  In the middle of the summer in Texas, we awoke to overcast skies, dark clouds, and glorious, glorious rain. I declared it a rain day, cleared our schedule, and vowed to spend the day inside. Then, by some stroke of inspiration, I decided to take it one step further. Not only would we stay inside, but I would allow the kids to make a list of all the fun things they wanted to do, and we would do them.  Every. Single. One. Whew.  I mentally prepared myself for a day of hard mommy work, patience, self sacrifice, etc.

And then we began. First on the list was making Auntie Sydney’s delicious sugar cookies.  I relinquished control and let the girls dump every ingredient, crack every egg, and mix it all together. I let them eat cookie dough. While the dough refrigerated, we made the greatest blanket fort of all time, complete with 10 chairs, 13 blankets, 4 pillows, and 2 tension rods that we borrowed from the shower and closet.  (Never mind the fact that we have not one but TWO awesome play tents readily available, let's take apart the closet!). We made a MESS. When the fort was ready, we rolled dough, cut cookies (using a billion different cookie cutters, of course), put them in the oven, then settled in for a few games of UNO in our beautiful fortress.  After UNO it was Candyland, cookies, reading stories, silly pictures and giggles, nail painting, and finally a movie in the fort for the win. 

At the end of the day, we cleaned up (OK mostly I cleaned up), I made dinner, David came home, and the evening played out as usual. And I realized to my dismay that I was not one bit more tired than I would have been any other day! If anything, I had more mental energy because we skipped the usual arguments, power struggles, sibling rivalry, etc. that tend to happen when I’m trying to all those many more important things I usually spend so much time doing. And the kicker?  The house was not any less clean, the diapers all got changed, and Facebook and I survived without each other. Huh.

But the connection I made with my kids that day, that's worth its weight in gold. Since that day I've noticed my absolute Daddy's girl of a three-year-old spontaneously throwing her arms around me and telling me she loves me. (This is usually reserved solely for Dad.) I've noticed Paisley opening up to me and sharing her feelings just a little more. She's been kinder and sweeter and softer.

And mostly, I'm feeling a big shift in perspective on my part. What are my priorities?  Where is my mind and my heart throughout the day?  How many moments am I willing to trade for things far less consequential than connecting with and building up these sweet little souls? This is the very essence of motherhood, and if there's anything more important then perhaps I'm missing the point entirely...  

As I said, this is a repeat lesson, a patient and loving Father teaches me over and over again. I just pray that each time I learn it, something within my core changes for good.  Or at least enough to carry through till next time. 

The (Not-So) Perfect Morning

This morning was the perfect morning.  Slept in til 7:00, dog walked by 8:00, morning snuggles with pup and kids, feelings of contentment and hope for the day...

They're not all like this. 

Take yesterday for example:

2am. The dog wakes up. Whimper, whine, whimper. Potty break at this hour?  Really? Sigh. I open the door to her crate and she disappears in the dark.  Where is she?  By the light of my phone I find her sitting by the side of my bed. Come, Jess. Come ON. I scoot her out the door, where she sits for several minutes before I let her in.  Back in the crate, whimper, whimper, whine. Surely she'll go back to sleep....

4 am. Baby crying.  Ugh, here we go. The sheer force of habit pulls me out of my delicious bed and I shuffle in the dark across the living room. I could do this walk with my eyes closed. In fact, I think they are closed. We'll nurse, pop in binky, back to sleep. I know I need to start enforcing better sleeping patterns again. He used to be such a good sleeper! We'll start that tomorrow... Nurse, rock, binky, set down, shut door, and... screaming. Awesome.  Doesn't he know we have to be up for the day in 2.5 hours? Doesn't he know it's a big day for us? Surely he'll go back to sleep...

5am.  Baby cries again.Or is he still crying? And dog whining. Did I really sleep through the baby crying for a whole hour? I'm a terrible mother. A very, very tired, terrible mother. After a few more minutes lying in bed, the Cry-It-Out and Attachment Parenting moms hashing it out in my half coherent mind, I shuffle over to Baby's room, cursing the unwelcome dawn. After 20 minutes of wrestling in bed with Baby, dog whimpering, husband moaning, me painfully parting with every last shred of hope for sleep, I'm dressed and out of bed, baby in stroller, bitterly dragging the dog out for an early morning walk. It's 5:40am and This. Day. BLOWS.

The rest of the morning is a blur of the following:
"Good morning, girls." Kisses, hugs.
Tired moans, turned into cries and screams.
"Get dressed, please, we need to go in a few minutes."
Cries, screams.
"But Mom, I'm tired."
"Mom, I need my... "
"Hun, have you seen my...."
"I'm hungry!"
"Mom, can you wipe me?"
"I'm tiiiiiiiired!"
Tell me about it. 

And me:
Why am I the one...?
"Clothes, please..."
Why is this house such a mess...?
"Come oooon!"
Oh, yay, a puddle on the floor. Jessss!
Let's GOOO!

On the way to the office to drop off David, over whining and banter of small children, I wonder for a moment what has become of my life, my hopes of dreams of old, and ME in general.

                                                                       * * *

Now back to this morning.

2am. The dog wakes. Whine, whimper, whine. David gets up. Rather than going outside, Jess stubbornly sits by our bed, and a couple of thoughts occurs to me in my sleepy state: 1.Thank-you, good husband. 2.Why is she awake? and 3. Hmmm, maybe she just wants to snuggle... Dog is shuffled outside. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

5am.  Bo wakes up.  Well, at least it's not 4:00. Nurse, binky, set down, shut door, hold breath. Slumbery silence.  Ahhhh....

7:00. Dog wakes up, and so do I. I feel refreshed. I get dressed, and take the dog out for a lovely walk on a Texas summer morning. The grass shimmers in the golden glow of sunrise. The world is as quiet and still as the silvery heron perched by the stream, and I breathe it all in.

I walk home, through our quaint, quiet neighborhood, across our freshly cut grass. I enter the house to the sound of soft cheerful jabbering from the baby's room.  How I love it when he wakes up happy!  My heart nearly bursts at the sight of him beaming at me from the crib, and he wraps his tiny arms around my neck and burrows his face into my chest. We spend the next what I wish were forever snuggling, cooing, and giggling in my bed with Dad and puppy. One by one the girls drag their blankets and stuffed animals into our room where they join in the snuggles and kisses and laughs, and I think to myself, 'How much more perfect could life be? and, 'How in the world did I get this lucky?'.

                                                                      * * *

So what changed from one morning to the next? Well, I got a little bit more sleep and that sure goes a long way.  Things weren't so rushed, and my attitude was a bit brighter.  But when it comes down to it, some days are just awesome.  The universe comes together, the stars align and everything is smooth sailing and perfect. And other days just... suck.

But maybe, just maybe, it's because of those terrible, awful days that the good ones seem so very sweet. Maybe it's on those days that we are stretched to our limits, broken down, beat up, chewed up and spit out, that God is able to take us in his hands, smooth an edge here, fill a crack there, and build us right back up again and then some. And the next day - or week, month, year - we wake up a little sore, but stronger, wiser, more patient, more humble.  More aware of how beautiful and precious those peaceful moments of love, laughter and connection really are. And more able to create more of those moments for ourselves and the ones we love.

As for what has become of my life, my hopes and dreams, and Me in general, I realize: I chose this life. The kids, the dog, the sleepless nights, the morning snuggles. These are my hopes and dreams. The good, the bad, the dog pee. And this is just God's round-about way of turning ME into something greater than I hoped.

It has been a week since I started writing this post to the the time that I am posting it.  In case you're interested to know, we have since concluded that our puppy Jess can in fact sleep through the night.  As we came to suspect, she did not need to go outside to relieve herself throughout the night; in fact, all she wanted was to be snuggled up with us in bed. Now when she starts whimpering in the morning, we pull her in the bed. She burrows her velvety head into our side and sleeps hard until we drag her out of bed for a walk. We're all getting a little more sleep these days.  

August 2015

August was crazy, challenging, momentous, wonderful whirlwind of a month. First in the order of events was a visit from the Doumas! Hans, Leone, Emily and Michael arrived at the end of July, actually, and stayed into the beginning of August. It was a blast of a week, packed full with sightseeing, visiting, and lots and lots of delicious food. We were entirely spoiled by our visitors.

First decent family photo as a family of five.

At the Alamo in San Antonio on a hot, hot day.

                               

Afton in line at the famous Franklin's Barbeque. The men got up early and waited for hours in line. We caught up with them as it was about to open.

Bo fast asleep in our bedside cradle.

Afton sneaking in a nap on the kitchen floor.

The girls shared a bed for a while in between visitors.  You'd never know this was a king sized bed.

Bo enjoying one of his first swims in the pool.

Approximately 5 minutes later.

Towards the end of the month, my brother Nathan and his amazing wife Kirsten came to visit.  We felt honored that they would come all the way here to see us! We had lots of fun swimming and sightseeing.  Nathan cooked us the most amazing steaks I've ever eaten. Kirsten motivated me to be a better person just by being in her presence. We were sad to see them go.  

Nate & Kirsten took us mini-golfing at the Peter Pan Mini-golf in downtown Austin. We had always wanted to go and it didn't disappoint!

Downtown Austin at the Capitol Building.  

A little picnic on the beautiful Capitol grounds and a rare picture with Mom 

Swimming at Lake Pflugerville with N & K

The end of August means the beginning of the school year, and Paisley had her first day at Joy School!  A group of 5 moms and their children aged 3-5 put together a little co-op preschool.  Paisley was thrilled to go to "school" with her best buddies from church.

The first of many joy filled days to follow.

July 2015: A Son is Born

July 2015 ranks up there among the best months of my life.  It was the month we welcomed a son into our family!  

Late in June, my Mom flew in from Canada. It was so nice to have her here! As a mom of two on the verge of welcoming a new baby, I felt like my every waking moment, and many of my sleepy ones too, were dedicated to taking care of everyone else.  And then my mom came, and it felt like someone was there to take care of me. And it meant the world.  

Afraid that any Canada day festivities would put me into labor before the 4th of July, we stayed in and ate cake to celebrate the birth of my home country.  Grandma even brought us all some cute Canada shirts to represent. 

 If I have any regrets about my mom's stay, it is the lack of pictures we took! So sad. This picture is one of the few I took while she was here.  In fact, I may or may not have promised her I would not post it... (She was not picture ready).  But her presence during this time was so huge for me, I can't post about July 2015 and not include photographic evidence that she was here! Also, what a sweet moment. Girls and Grandma reading in the swing.

 On the 4th of July (the date we hoped the baby would come) we ventured out for a small neighborhood parade near where we used to live.  It was a fun morning spent with good friends.  That night, we watched fireworks from the parking lot of our church.  I've never been sadder to be watching fireworks on the 4th of July.  We had hoped I would be watching them from the window of my hospital room.  To clarify, we were hoping for the 4th because it was David's Grandma's birthday, which she loved. And the official due date.  And the midwife I loved and was hoping to deliver the baby planned to leave town the next day. That was a sad night for me.

 On July 8, after four long days of hot, angry, pregnant woman, I woke up at 6:00 a.m. with cramps.  I woke David around 6:30 and told him I thought this was the day.  Five minutes later, I was sure of it. David asked if he had time to have a shower.  Knowing how quickly these things can progress (Afton's labor was 2 hours, start to finish) I told him probably, but just a quick one.  Three minutes later, I was telling him to get out of the shower.  I peeked into Mom's room, told her we were going in to the hospital, and we were off!
Long story short, we took the toll road, got there in 15 minutes, and I definitely wondered if I might have the baby in the car.  Then  in the reception area of the hospital.  Then I thought for sure he would be born on the floor at the L & D check-in where they asked me A THOUSAND questions that I already answered. (Why did I even register?) I declined any anesthetic, which I sorely regretted for a few long minutes, but felt great about afterwards.  Bo Johannes was born at 8:26 a.m. at 9 lbs 1 oz.  the most beautiful baby boy I ever saw.

The aftermath of the birth was not so much fun. The mechanics of my body were way out of whack to say the least.  I could hardly walk or move one leg independently of the other at all.  I genuinely worried I would never make a full recovery.  David spent the nights with me at the hospital, as I couldn't get out of bed on my own to get the baby. (And something in me just won't allow the baby to go to the nursery.)  Mom stayed with me during the day, which was wonderful despite my groggy medicated state.  That's right, what I avoided in anesthetic during the birth, I made up for in the days following.

The following video shows who may have been the most excited to have Bo home.  Here is Bo and Tex's first introduction:

The hardest part of July was probably saying goodbye to my mom.  It wasn't enough time!  We didn't even show her all the sights!  She had hardly seen the newborn she came to meet! And most importantly, how would I survive without her? She would be missed sorely, but those moments she got to be here with us were gold to me.  Thanks for coming, Mom.  

 And then just a bunch of pictures of newborn Bo.  How could I pick just one?  These first couple were taken my my awesome and talented friend Ariel.  I'll be forever grateful.

In his cradle next to my bed.  Our version of co-sleeping.

Bo's two week appointment.  He slept right through it.

At the splash pad.

His first swim. He didn't love it.

What were we doing at the beach in the same month our baby was born?  Good question.  It didn't seem so crazy at the time.

Clearly, I recovered enough in the following weeks to bed out and about a bit.  Nine months later, I feel much stronger, but some days I still wonder if I'll make a full recovery.  But this baby was worth every bit of it. When I had been home a couple of days, I was gazing lovingly at my new son, when I noticed Paisley watching me. She asked, "Mom, why do you love him so much?" And, boy, do I ever.  

Super David and the Big 27

What?  I have a blog?  I almost forgot!  But what better day to brush off my dusty keyboard than my husband's 27th birthday?

Seriously though, I couldn't let this day go by without acknowledging what an amazing guy our family is blessed to call husband and father.  He really is our superhero!  That thought has crossed my mind so many times over the past four months or so, and let me tell you why.

In case you didn't know, accountants work. A lot. And hard. David spent from January til April working 60-80 hour weeks.

As though that weren't enough on its own, he also woke up diligently every morning, 6 days a week, and completed a session of P90X.  (*Sidenote: He just completed the program last week and is lookin' might fine if you ask me!*)

The most challenging part for David of this busy season was probably how little time he got to spend with our girls, who would wake up shortly before he left in the morning and would most often be asleep by the time he got home.  But that didn't stop him from finding quality time with them.  Whether it was sleeping on the floor beside Afton's bed when she woke in the night, or playing catch with Paisley for a few minutes in the morning, he took every moment he could get and made the most of it.  He even managed to teach Paisley to ride a two-wheeler bike! She's a pro now. It's all she wants to do.

Also worth mentioning is that I am pregnant.  Sooo, let's just say I wasn't always the cheerful, energetic, or even emotionally stable wife that I otherwise would be.  David managed to be supportive, patient and kind.  He even took over night duty when I was too grumpy and exhausted to handle another late night waking.

All the while, this superhero of a guy has managed to live by what seems to be his life motto: "Be happy" or, "Happiness is a choice".  He rarely complains, always keeps up a positive attitude and always manages to brighten up our home whenever he's home.

David's birthday present made by me and the girls. He lives this slogan every day.

So for all these reasons and many more, David is our superhero.  Noble people are recognized for great acts of kindness and heroism every day in the news and social media.  From my point of view, there are few things more noble and heroic than a loving, dedicated and devoted husband and father.  So grateful to have him in my life.  Happy birthday, Babe.

The Netherlands

Once upon a time, we went to the Netherlands.  OK, it was May 29 - June 12, and I've been pondering ever since what I might write to do justice to this incredible place.  I've come to the conclusion that I should let the pictures do most of the talking (though I'm not sure they do it justice either).  So, here it is.  

Day 1

OK, so I should explain a couple of things. For example, why the Netherlands? David's dad is from the Netherlands. They've visited there regularly over the years, and this time they generously offered to bring all of our little family along to meet the family and get to know the country.

We got on the Frontrunner bright and early in the morning with the babies,  car seats and a bunch of luggage.

Paisley, about to board the airplane for her first flight ever.

As we flew in over fields and fields of green divided by canals and dotted with cows, sheep, and windmills, I felt like I was in a dream.  Did this sort of place really still exist outside of paintings and poetry?  Apparently so.  I was falling in love already.

We arrived late at night U.S. time, and early in the morning Holland time.  A narrow two-story cottage would be our home for the next two weeks.

Our cozy bedroom.  With a slanted ceiling,  a small cupboard for a closet, Afton in her pillow bed, and a playpen in the corner for Paisley's bed, we had everything we needed. 

Day 2

The harbor at Volendam.  A little farther down, the harbor is lined with little shops where we bought raw herring (delicious, btw!) and our daily dose of frites.

Paisley was fascinated with all the giant ice cream cones around Holland.

She was equally thrilled with the Mr. Frites.

Zaanse Schans.  This is a tourist attraction in North Holland whose main attractions are delicious ice cream made from fresh cream, and a collection of well-preserved windmills.  

We were able to climb up in the windmill and see how it works.  

A view from up top.

Day 3 - Belgium - Aantwerp, visited with cousin Daniel, Had belgian waffles, saw diamond places, drove to Brugge, ate delicious mussels.

Day 4

On Sunday, we went to church and then went to Church and then visited the temple.  Hans took us on a long drive through the country, and we ate at a pancake house for dinner.

Day 5 - Rijksmuseum & G Star, Mini, Boat tour

Day 6 - Madurodam & Scheveningen (Beach with bungy jump) & Den Haag (Royal palace)

Day 7 - Market at Leiden & Opa's, pancake house with zipline

All I want in life is one of these.

One of my very favorite photos. This is David's Opa, resting under a tree with baby Afton. Priceless.

Day 8 - Kinderdijk, Gouda, best fries in the country

Day 9 - Utrecht, Haarlem (Hiding Place), walk

Day 10 - Leiden - licorice, bon bons, Delft (shopping)
Day 11 - Aunt Teeny & Anja, Grandpa's grave, Castle Muiderslot
Day 12 - Amsterdam & Anne Frank, bike parkade
Day 13 - Giethoorn, Canal boat
Day 14 - Home

 Market in Delft, Belgium